"None of it matters in the end, Andy. All that matters is how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things that are not meant for you."
That's what my dying friend said to me on our last day together.
I got the impression she wasn't speaking to me, but rather to herself. And I knew that she had accomplished all three by the way she smiled, laid back in her bed, and softly closed her eyes after.
It was years later that I learned she had borrowed those words from Buddha.
I often wonder if that's the reason why she smiled. Perhaps leaving me with one last piece of wisdom before she died.
So, let's look at why my dear friend paraphrased the Buddha and explore what he meant when he said "only three things matter" in life.
1. How much you loved
In Buddhism, there are four main virtues: loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, and equanimity. They are known as The Four Immeasurables.
Loving-Kindness is the desire for all beings to be happy. Compassion is the wish for all beings to be free from suffering. Appreciative Joy is rejoicing in the happiness and virtues of others. And equanimity is having an impartial mind, free from attachment and aversion.
I grew up thinking love was a two-way exchange. I give my love, and I get your love in return.
"That's loving with expectation," my tantra teacher warned. "True love is about giving without needing anything back. You must get to the point where you know you are loved, and there is more than enough to go around. Only then will you stop needing love from others and find it in yourself."
The Four Immeasurables are now how I gauge whether I'm loving myself, others, and all the seen and unseen beings in the world.
Meditation, breathwork, and spending lots of time in nature help me do this, and they are what I practice daily.
2. How gently you lived
I initially confused this with being soft, weak, or a pushover in the past, so I had some aversion to it.
But I've learned that gentle doesn't mean being soft spoken or timid. It means that my eyes are soft, my breathing is gentle, and my nervous system is open.
I don't have to avoid conflict or dull down difficult emotions; I just mustn't let them overrun me as much as they used to.
In that way, I can be firm and gentle, strong and compassionate, fierce and loving.
Living gently also means how much I impact the planet. Wherever possible, I try to eat organic food, buy meat from farms that use regenerative farming methods, avoid plastic products, invest in companies that are environmentally aware, and save and look out for as many living beings as I can. It's my way of leaving as small a footprint as I can while I can.
3. How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you
"The harsh truth is, Andy, we come into this world alone, and we leave it alone." My dying friend said. "Nothing belongs to us."
She was right, of course. Most of the things in life are out of our control. Pretty much the only thing we can control is how we respond to what's going on.
We can hold onto people, dreams, future visions, goals, ideas, beliefs, values, past regrets, family, pets, houses, and land, but in the end, everything changes. Nothing lasts forever.
It's why Buddhism asks: What's the point in holding on?
Having the grace to let things go allows me to accept and enjoy them more. It's the impermanence of life that makes it so precious.
"The more you try to control something, the more it controls you." Leon Brown said.
So, the only thing left to do is to live and let live.
Everything else is just a distraction.