What if you didn't have to fix anything about yourself to find happiness? What if there's nothing wrong with you? Our culture is obsessed with self-help. There is a cure for almost anything, and it almost always involves a radical transformation and the purchase of an expensive course or a series of coaching sessions.
We all want to be happy. But do you even know what happiness is? It's easy to confuse happiness with success or perfection. There is so much confusion around the word happiness that it's easier to get at the true meaning of happiness, the more obtainable version of this very human sensation, by talking about it in terms of contentment.
Contentment is much less confusing. To be content means to find satisfaction with the present moment. Contentment is the byproduct of mindfulness. You are content when you stop and notice the real world around you. Not just the bad things, that's a trap, a false sense of mindfulness that is blind to the full truth of the moment.
Contentment means acknowledging the negative reality. You have bills to pay, and war is raging. But it also means acknowledging the positive. Spring is coming, and the songbirds are returning. You don't have to wallow in misery. You don't need to fix anything about yourself or the world to take a moment and see the big and small wonders that surround you. Finding small pockets of joy doesn't mean you are ignoring the suffering of other people. You are allowed to have mixed feelings, to fully feel more than one thing at a time.
Nothing is more human than laughing while grieving or feeling a tug of sorrow as you celebrate.
Finding happiness could start with something as simple as looking up at the stars at night or down at the grass in the morning. There are wonders everywhere you look, if you're willing to pay attention. When you sip a particularly good cup of coffee, you are drinking in happiness. Kurt Vonnegut sums up this idea that all of us are capable of feeling happiness at any moment when he says, "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."
One reason happiness feels so elusive is that our society wants you to believe that you are broken. You are maladjusted. Are you sad? Then it's because you're not doing the right things. Have a hard time smiling like an idiot all day long? You are the problem. Your brain or soul is broken, and you must undergo a fundamental change to your character so you can be happy.
This is all bullshit. Being lonely, sad, mad, or any of the other thousands of normal human emotions doesn't mean you are broken or bad or that you lack happiness in your life. Feeling feelings just means you are normal. It means you are a human doing your best to live a good life in a sick society. Who wants to be well adjusted to that?
All of that also doesn't preclude you from experiencing happiness. A lot of the self-help obsession with happiness feels like a new mask on an old religious idea that we are all fallen beings, unworthy of God's love. Sadness is the great sin to many new-age gurus.
Your life is not perfect. You and I have many weaknesses. We all have things we need to improve. I could be kinder, you could be more dillignet. But being imperfect, being human, doesn't mean you cannot be happy. Happiness is everywhere if you're willing to look for it.
You need to be able to stop in the moment and notice that something nice is happening. This is mindfulness. This is contentment. The reason to pay attention, the reason to become more mindful, is not to banish bad things from your life. Mindfulness is about living your life more fully, feeling everything more deeply, and recognizing the bittersweet truth about our lives on this Earth. Even as bad things happen, good things happen simultaneously, and you can feel happy today without changing anything fundamental about yourself or the world.
You don't have to earn happiness. You are not required to smile all the time, or ever, to feel happy. You can be upset about the state of the world or your unfair parking ticket and still find reasons to be happy.
Happiness is not a binary condition. It can, and should, exist alongside all of your other complex emotions. Just as the gnats in your lawn are there living and dying whether you notice them or not, so are all of the wonders of the world. All of the reasons for happiness exist in your life right now. You can notice them and feel a bit of happiness today.
I bet you have even felt some passing moments of happiness, of contentment, today, perhaps without even noticing them. Today I had a bowl of hot oatmeal that turned out perfect. I heard and saw two goldfinches singing as the sun rose while I headed to the car to take my son to school. There was nothing special about my morning, but everything was special about it. I felt these moments of contentment, and most importantly, I noticed them. I felt this way even though I'm also not sure where I will come up with the money for our huge health insurance premium at the end of the month. I felt this way despite my heartbreak over my country engaging in yet another war. I found some moments of happiness even as my marriage of twenty-eight years is ending.
My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. But I am happy. Or more precisely, I have chosen to find contentment by paying attention to the awe-inspiring world I live in. Small moments of joy are enough to sustain me as I continue to live in a chaotic world.
Our human brains are incredible at filtering out noise and retaining small details that might be important later. But our culture makes it easy to confuse noise and signal. It's up to you to train your brain to pay attention to the small, wonderful things you experience each day.
The beautiful mural you notice for the first time, and the dandelion in the crack in the sidewalk, are chances for you to find happiness today. If you take Vonnegut's advice and remark to yourself, "Isn't this nice," you will soon find many more such moments. It's the same principle as when you buy a new car, and you suddenly notice how many people are driving around in the same vehicle as you.
If you choose to treat your daily life as a pilgrimage, you will find holiness in many unexpected places as you go about your day.
Are you ready to find happiness today? You don't need an expensive course. You do not need a radical transformation. All you need to do to find happiness today is be your most human self and to notice the pockets of joy waiting for you.
Jason McBride is a poet-cartoonist and author of several beautiful, cozy books about living a slow human life. His most recent book is "How to Create a Life You Love." If you enjoyed this post, you'll love his newsletter, featuring poetry comics about nature, creativity, mindfulness, and living a fully human life.