"Everyone else can sit here, why can't you?" This is what my then mother-in-law asked me when I got up from my seat, after the church meeting was supposed to be over, and when the speaker began a new story.
I've been asked some version of this question regularly ever since I was a child. As a child and a young adolescent, I had no answer. I just knew I was defective in some way. I was different.
As a teenager, I gave up trying to find a satisfying answer. But I had an answer for my mother-in-law that Sunday afternoon. I'm not like everyone else.
I don't mean that I'm somehow better than everyone else. It's a simple fact. Just like gravity is holding us down on the Earth's surface, I'm not like everyone else.
I hate having my time wasted, and I have no problem leaving a meeting on time, even when it's not over. I see people stare at me when I get up. The truth is, I don't care. While everyone else sits there bored and wishing they could get up and leave, I actually do get up and leave.
When I was a kid, all I wanted was to fit in. I did not want to be weird. It was hell. I was bullied at home, school, and church. Teachers wanted me to be normal. I often found myself in conflict with adults and peers because I felt compelled to do what I thought was right, even when it wasn't popular, or when it wasn't what "we've" always done.
The harder I worked to fit in, the more miserable I became. Even when I did manage to contain my weirdness, I still never managed to make any real friends.
The true friends I did make accepted me for who I was and never pressured me to be anything but my true, weird self. I'm fortunate to still be friends with people I first met when I was eleven.
By the time I was graduating from high school, I was in my full weird glory. I had learned that you could do anything in life if you're willing to live with the consequences. Once I stopped performing for the crowd, I found it easy to make genuine friends, and I began to enjoy life. Most of my friends were fellow outcasts. Punks, goths, and other weirdos.
Adults and my peers still wanted to regulate me, but my indifference to their opinions made life much more pleasant, at least for me.
I will be fifty this year, and I keep getting the same questions from other adults that I was getting when I was sixteen. Why are you like this? Why do you have to push the boundaries? Why can't you just let this go? When will you get a real job?
I'm just wired that way.
I've come to understand that most of the people who are doing the "right" things, or the "normal" things, are not very happy. They still feel the peer pressure to conform that almost ruined me when I was thirteen. They will continue to be miserable until they are willing to be weird and stop looking for acceptance.
The crowd can only ever give you conditional acceptance. If you want to be seen and loved for who you truly are, you have to be your true self, even if it means being weird.
There's a Rick and Morty quote I think about all the time. Rick says, "Your boos mean nothing. I've seen what makes you cheer."
Do you really want approval from people who act like the proverbial crabs, always pulling down anyone who gets too close to escaping the tank?
I haven't been to church in more than seven years. But when I occasionally run into someone around town, I used to go to church with they always mention how they remember me leaving meetings that went over time. More often than not, they also tell me they were jealous of my willingness to stand up and leave.
Nothing makes me happier than being remembered as the guy who refused to tolerate meetings running late.
I don't have a perfect track record of following my internal compass. I pursued a legal education and a career in law despite so many signs that I was not built for that life. I had to ruin a business and career before finding an occupation that I enjoyed and was good at.
All of my biggest mistakes and regrets in life have happened because I failed to listen to my gut or because I was trying to make someone else happy.
It didn't fully sink in for me until I was in my forties that I can't make someone else happy. You can't either. We are each in control of our own happiness.
Many of the well-meaning people in my life shake their heads when they see I've released another book or when I post a poetry comic on social media. They keep waiting for me to get a real job.
They'll be waiting a long time. I've worked for myself for almost my entire adult life. I've learned how to adapt. I can't imagine having to ask someone else for permission to take a vacation or needing a note to go see the doctor.
In my professional and personal life, I don't need the approval of anyone else to do anything. I follow my curiosity.
I make weird, beautiful books for weird, beautiful people. It's not all that I do, but it's the primary focus of all of my creative business. Working on my books is when I'm at my happiest.
There are real consequences to my unorthodox life choices. I may never retire. I have to deal with finding the right health care package every year. But I have unlimited vacation days. I get to work from wherever I want. I never miss any of my children's events. I rarely have to wear shoes, and I get to walk my dog in the middle of the day.
Tomorrow, I may wake up and be curious about something I've never written about before. I get to chase that curiosity and see where it ends up. Chances are, I will turn that chase into something people will pay to read. How amazing is that?
Your best life probably looks very different from mine. You might be well-suited for an office job. But chances are that your best life is also weirder than what you've been told your life is "supposed" to be like.
If you want to be truly happy, you have to get to the point where you're willing to be weird, no matter what anyone else thinks. Once you begin to chase your own curiosity and live your weird life, you will find that some of the people who judge you the most harshly are the most jealous of your freedom.
You only have one shot at this life. Why not live it for yourself instead of for anyone else? Be the weird you want to see in the world.
Jason McBride is a poet-cartoonist and best-selling author. His most recent book is "How to Create a Life You Love." If you enjoyed this post, you'll love his newsletter, featuring poetry comics about nature, creativity, mindfulness, and living a fully human life.