A little over four years ago, I had a night without sleep.
It's happened before—no big deal.
Except that time, it was. It was a huge deal!
I started living and breathing sleep. The only thing I wasn't doing with sleep was, well, sleeping. I would get so anxious, wondering if I was going to sleep that night, that I would have restless nights multiple times a week.
I went down the insomnia rabbit hole, and it was the most terrifying experience of my life.
Eventually, I found the right help from holistic sleep experts who understood the true root of the problem.
In the summer of 2023, I was healing and was doing less worrying about sleep and more actual sleeping.
I was just about to throw out my "just-in-case" anxiety medicine when the anxiety therapist I was seeing advised me not to.
Two weeks later, my mom died very unexpectedly. I was there in the hospital room as I watched her take her last breaths. I went on to replay this scene over and over in my mind.
The next couple of months consisted of intense grief while still also parenting my preschool-aged child and undergoing the adoption process after years of secondary infertility. The medicine got me by.
But I was worried I would backslide into full-blown insomnia again and that my sleep anxiety would prevail.
However, this time around, I was prepared for that hyperarousal. I knew I had to lean in and accept the anxiety and sleepless nights rather than try to fight them as I had before.
I decided to have a little fun with it. Why not turn my nighttime anxiety into a game show? I would go through each scenario that kept me up at night to see which one would provoke fear that evening.
I knew by doing this, I was going headfirst into the anxiety. The only way out — I had been counseled.
Here's what it looked like.
"We are live in 3–2–1."
"And we are back to Who Wants to Stay Up All Night? I'm your host, Ann Cyity. Now, Lauren, before we cut to commercial break, we were down to your final. four. doors. Are you ready to make your final choice and have a chance to win a deluxe, all-expenses paid, one-night trip to Up All Night?"
(Audience cheers)
"Ann, I'm ready. I'm ready to make my selection." I say.
"Before we reveal your final answer, Lauren, talk me through what you're thinking. You have already eliminated some big doors. The audience and I surely were shocked when you eliminated I'm Still Not Asleep and It's Already 1 AM, and I Only Have 5 More Hours Until I Have to Get Up for Work. The fear of not sleeping at night used to plague you back in the day. You were a regular insomniac. But that proved to be the right choice, eliminating that door early on. Your game playing has been on point."
"Thanks, Ann. I was pretty confident in my selection there. I have consulted with some sleep experts who have helped me with my sleep struggles. I've learned that sleep is passive, and it's best to surrender to the fact that I just might not sleep at night. Actually, did you know that you really don't need eight hours of sleep and that…" I ramble off.
"I'm going to stop you right there, Lauren, we don't have all night." Ann winks with a cheeky grin.
(Audience laughs)
"Before we disclose the final four doors, let's recap the rest of the doors you've eliminated." Ann recounts.
"In round one," Ann says, "you removed Will the New York Mets Ever Win the World Series? You shut the door on Will a Future Brain Aneurysm Surgery Kill Me Like it Killed My Mom? And you slammed shut Will My Autoimmune Disease flare up again? Care to elaborate for us, Lauren?"
"Well, Ann, to be frank, I write about those in my diary before bed, and that helps to get my mind off them when it's time to sleep. Nothing will be GERMAN-ating from those fears." I quip with a devilish smirk.
(Audience laughs)
"Oh, Lauren, it's nice to see you have a sense of humor with this morbid game we are playing," Ann replies. "In the last round, you knocked out some big contenders like Will My Husband Leave Me if I Keep Fretting About Things at Night? and Will My Adopted Son and Biological Son Get Along in the Future Despite the Six-Year Age Gap and Not Being Biologically Related? Care to explain, Lauren?"
"No, Ann, while troublesome at times, I just don't worry about those like I used to. Therapy. Medicine. Prayer. The big three."
"Well, then, Lauren, I think we are ready. Audience, are we ready?"
(Audience cheers).
"The final four doors: In Door Number One: I Really Wish My Mom Didn't Die. I Need Her While I Raise My Two Small Kids." Ann announces to the crowd.
(Audience sighs)
"Yeah, Ann, it's hard to talk about really." (I brush away a tear). "I always thought she would be here with me. I thought my kids would grow up with her as a grandma. Heck, I never expected my youngest son to NEVER have even met her. At night, when my brain is still, my thoughts always circle back to this. She's never coming back. She'll never talk to me again. She'll never hug me again. I'll never have a mom while I'm a mom again."
"I'm really sorry, Lauren. That door sounds like it could be the door. But we have three more doors to reveal. In Door Number Two: My Dad Started Dating Six Months After My Mom Died and Within Two Months of His Girlfriend Moving In she Got Rid of All My Mom's Furniture and Decorations."
(Audience gasps).
"Ann, to be honest, I'm happy for my dad. Technically, he did nothing wrong. I want him to be happy. And I like his girlfriend. I really do. But the home he shared with my mom felt like the last, tangible connection to her. And now it's gone. I feel like I lost a part of my past that made me feel safe. It's sad."
"Lauren, wow, that is really heavy stuff right there. But we have two more doors before the winner is determined. In Door Number Three: Work."
"I, well, let's see…" I stumble over my words.
"Lauren, say no more. You're a teacher."
(Audience laughs)
"And, finally, in Door Number Four: Will I Ever See This One Student Again Lauren, I must admit this one is puzzling me. Why is this so bothersome to you? You must have had hundreds of students after fifteen years of teaching." Ann questions.
"Well, Ann, I met a student two years ago. He reminds me of a boy named DJ, whom my parents took in at age ten through the Big Brother program. DJ spent a lot of time with our family. He was like a brother to me. I loved him very much.
As he got older, he didn't stay in contact as much. Here and there. We attempted. But you know how it is with teenagers. Well, as it seems to be the trend, he died. Unexpectedly. From a drug overdose. I got in touch with his girlfriend. She said he loved us a lot and wanted to reach out, but he was scared. My mom and I felt like we let him down. Now, my mom is dead. He's dead. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I have this student who reminds me of him.
I would never have met him if my mom hadn't died, because all of my classes got switched when I decided to take time off. I'm wondering if I was meant to meet him. The purpose of my mom's death was for me to meet this student and then help him in a way we couldn't help DJ. He was so kind to me. He asked about my mom. He and his girlfriend would help babysit my older son. They would come over for dinner. Now, he's graduated, and I worry that he will disappear from my life like people eventually do."
(Audience stunned)
"Lauren, I don't know what to say. That's heavy. But, I'm afraid, you're going to have to make a selection. Which door is the door that will keep you up all night? What's it going to be, Lauren?"
"Oh dear, you're crying. Honey, shhh, it's only a game. It's going to be all right. But we really do need you to pick a door. The audience is waiting…" Ann waits for me to reply.
"Lauren? Lauren? Looks like we lost another one, folks. It appears a baby has woken up, and she's feeding him, and now she's creeping into a child's room to check on him. Now, a husband is wrapping his arms around her. Ahhh. She's asleep. The world will never know which door she would have picked. Folks, thank you for watching Who Wants to Stay Up All Night. I'm your host, Ann Cyity. And as always, good night." (Winks)
It's been four years since I had my bout with insomnia and sleep anxiety. It's been over two years since my mom died. The grief and anxiety are still there, but very few people would know. I've learned to carry it well.
It comes out at night when there are no distractions, and I have time to ruminate over life and everything that has happened in the early years of this decade.
Sometimes, the game show is correct. I pick a door, and that thought keeps me up at night longer than I would like, the old, familiar feelings creeping up again. I know it's my brain protecting me from a false alarm.
So, more often than not, I remind myself that my brain is malleable. I go over my anxiety in my head, purposefully trying to evoke fear until I just decide to accept it and move on.
In those instances, I sleep peacefully.