The biggest regrets people have when they run out of time are on the choices they didn't make, being held back by fear and self-blame. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me," writes Bronnie Ware, the author of the international bestselling memoir, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. This was the most common regret of all," she says. Most people don't ruin their lives with the same mistakes over and over again. They consistently aim to please everyone but themselves.
I could't agree more with author Glennon Doyle when she said, "Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself." The skill that decides how your life turns out isn't intelligence. Or confidence. It's the ability to disappoint people without losing yourself. Or, put another way, the courage to choose yourself without permission. It's discernment in disappointment.
It's knowing who you are willing to let down.
The good news is, you're not weak if you struggle with this. You're human. From a young age, we are trained to be agreeable. Teachers reward compliance. Parents praise good behaviour. It's all social conditioning. Most people grow up believing disappointing people is risky. Like you will be exiled from your social connections. Your brain treats social rejection like physical pain. Even your nervous system thinks it's keeping you safe when you disappoint yourself.
You've probably noticed what your mind does every time you want to say no. It will rush to justify. Over-explain. Or apologize. So you don't come across as being difficult. That's your inner negotiator trying to reduce discomfort. But for how long will you protect other people's comfort at the expense of your own values? Not many people can reject expectation and be at peace. "No, I can't do that." "That doesn't work for me." "I'm doing something else." How many times have you tried to stop yourself from saying those words? Your body will tense. Your heart will race. Good. Go through with it if you will come out stronger for yourself and the people you love.
Confidence doesn't come before action. It comes after repeated exposure. You can't wait to feel strong. You act, then strength follows.
Of course, the people who benefit most from you having no boundaries will protest when you build them. But the people who respect you will adjust. They might not love your limits. But they'll live with them. And those who were attached to the version of you that overgave but won't respect your new boundaries? Well, don't get attached to their drama. Stop dragging their expectations behind you. Fear of disappointing others ruins more lives than fear of failure ever will. People avoid personal pursuits because they might upset someone.
Make things awkward.
Or change how they're seen.
They choose to be quiet, flexible and available. They say yes when they mean no. And pretend like their opinions don't matter. They keep the peace with everyone but themselves. The bad news is low self-concept clarity (how clearly and consistently you understand who you are) can turn into anxiety, burnout, and sometimes depression. High clarity is linked to resilience and minimal regrets later in life. If you repeatedly override yourself, you lose your sense of self. And feel dissatisfied in life.
Boundaries are not walls.
They're directions for life.
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others," notes author Brené Brown. People misunderstand boundaries. They assume it's all confrontation. Being mean. or conflicts all the time. But boundaries are just information. They give you the time, space and clarity to design the life you want. To become a better human. Every boundary disappoints someone anyway.
If you never disappoint anyone, ever, you're not setting boundaries.
You're absorbing expectations.
Whatever you do, people will have a response to it. There's no version of an honest life that avoids disappointment. The only question is whose disappointment you'll live with. Do you have the courage to take on the one task that changes everything? The skill of your life isn't just saying no. It's trusting yourself enough to survive the discomfort that follows. Especially with family members. Distress tolerance can do wonders for your path. Your ability to experience uncomfortable emotions without trying to escape them determines who you become.
People with high distress tolerance make better long-term decisions. They don't panic at temporary pain. Disappointing someone triggers guilt. Anxiety. And doubt. Your job isn't to eliminate those feelings. It's to stop treating them as stop signs. Feelings are just signals. You can feel guilty and be right. You can feel anxious and still move forward. Or do what you must. You can be misunderstood and at peace.
I've got a term for it: emotional adulthood.
Alice Walker was right when she said, "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." If you think you can avoid the disappointment, you will fall for the trap. Take back your power to choose yourself. There's so much people-pleasing you can do. You are losing time and yourself in the process. You can get everyone to agree with every choice you make. You can't. No one can. The math doesn't work. The cost of that universal approval is yourself. A better "no" is a life-giving "yes" to you. To your sanity. Your relationship. Your art. Your peace. It gets easier with practice.
You can start small. You disappoint the pushy colleague by not taking on their problem. It's theirs to solve, not your life's purpose to fulfill. You disappoint the tradition by skipping the exhausting family gathering or daring to question its significance. Each time, you feel the temporary tension. But you also feel the settling relief. Practiced long enough, you find a better and safer place inside. You'll be left with a life that feels like your own. Choosing yourself is uncomfortable. But self-betrayal lasts a lifetime. It will hurt for the rest of your life.
Don't abandon yourself.
The rest of your life depends on it.